If You Feel Like Disappearing
by Pixieblade
Summary: It's all or nothing for the boys when one of them gets taken down in the fray. Challenges, lost sanity, and a few misplaced accessories will push one of them into making a difficult admission.


**If you feel like disappearing…**

58/MA

I'm not really sure when it happened. When the touches lasted just a bit too long. When the hint of a smile or glint of eye caught my breath and held on so tightly. When I was more afraid for you than my own hide during a scrape. When I wished I could see your other side a moment longer; just once more before I kicked it.

Stupid time to figure out what all these things meant, laying in the mud like this, rain mixing clay and blood into an ungodly mess. At least I get to die in the arms of a beauty, even if it is a guy. Well I did say you were the first and last I'd bring to my bed. Messed up the bed part here and the blood leaking out of me is kinda putting a damper on the more thrilling prospects of having my head in you lap. Sorry man, I really should have figured it out sooner.

Love ya, 'Kai…bye.

***

_Nonononono!_ Dammit Gojyo, you are not allowed to go. Not now; not ever! Do you even realize how long I've been waiting? Hinting? Praying?! I've done everything but jump you in an alleyway and now…_now_ you figure it out!? You cannot be stupid enough to think I'm going to sit here with your head in my lap, tears and blood and hair covering us both and let you give up on us. Not us.

I _will_ kick your ass for even thinking of confessing and then dying on me. I swear it.

Gojyo…no….

***

Goku hunched down beside Sanzo's chair. The hotel room smelled of damp mold tinged with the copper of spilt blood. He wrinkled his nose in distaste, head falling limply to the side as he shifted closer to the chair, his forehead resting against Sanzo's knee lightly. Flicking his eyes over the week old paper at the two beds Sanzo reached down and languidly sifted the brown-gold locks through bruised and bandaged fingers; he skimmed a nail over the shell of an ear lightly, a small grimace twisting his lips. The damn things still hurt.

"Sanzo?"

"They're fine. Stupid, but fine. Go back to bed."

"Unguh," he muttered into the course fabric of Sanzo jeans, "I don't wanna."

Sanzo ruffled the paper into some semblance of order and placed it on the battered table next to his gun, fan, and the largest bottle of whiskey he could find in this shitty establishment. Sighing he slid farther down in the chair, his eyes a bruised violet that belied his anxiousness and lack of sleep. Even Goku was starting to look a bit gaunt from lack of food and sleep. The stress was getting to the both of them.

"You think they'll wake up today?"

He hmmed noncommittally.

"The doctor said they should have woken up by now."

"That was for a human, who knows what their youkai side will do."

"But shouldn't that help? I mean, it always has before." He whispered.

Sanzo just shrugged. He wasn't sure he wanted to think about what would happen to the monkey if those two idiots didn't wake up and he _refused_ to believe he'd feel any differently one way or another.

He stroked Goku's hair again and closed his eyes. He'd deal with it tomorrow.

***

Gojyo shifted in his sleep or what would have been sleep had Goku not pounced on him. His eyes shot open and a string of curses slithered out of his too dry and raw throat as he dry heaved from the impact. Goku was crying, bawling actually, rubbing his face back and forth across his shirt front and clinging to him desperately. Between the wincing as he tried to ruffle the kid's hair and tell him he was fine and the hard, chipped edge to Sanzo's normally baleful glare as he stood over them, cigarette forgotten across the room he figured something was really, really wrong.

"Yo." He tried weakly.

"You've been out cold for over a week." Sanzo told him, watching hawk-like as he added one final bit of information, "You both have."

Gojyo's head snapped around so fast he thought it'd fly off. Groaning he pulled himself from the bed and Goku's clutches and stumbled the two feet to Hakkai's side.

"What…" he started, a bandaged finger hovering over the ivy-covered arm laying heavily on the pale sheets.

Goku shifted uncomfortably next to Sanzo, "Hakkai brought you back. He used up most of his chi to bring you back from the dead. You're not supposed to do that. He…here." He pulled out six tiny shards of metal from his pocket, handing them over gingerly.

"He'll need new ones if he wakes up. The doc wasn't exactly optimistic about that one though." Sanzo supplied helpfully.

Gojyo shot him a dark look, "He'll be fine. He wouldn't…he'll be fine. Just, just give us a bit, 'k?"

Goku dropped his empty hand and nodded solemnly, reaching out he tugged on Sanzo's belt until the other turned and left the room with him. He was suddenly ravenous.

Gojyo watched the door slip shut and sighed. Lifting the sheet he slipped in as gingerly as he could next to his friend and wrapped his arms around Hakkai's chest, the pale skin too cool to his touch. He choked back a cry and buried his face in the too long hair at the nape of his neck, whispering into the sudden quiet, "Come back, 'Kai. Please, come back."

***

Hakkai cracked a crusty eye slowly. He hated waking up in the morning, the sliminess that sweating when asleep produced at the back of his knees…the small of his back. He hated the way his teeth felt fuzzy as he ran his tongue over them, the way his hair was always, always splayed back to show the world his false eye and the way his shirt bunched up around his chest to reveal the ugly scar across his abdomen. This was no different, except his teeth felt sharper than normal, his scar burned and his hair was being petted away from his face by tentative strokes from long, tan fingers that were just a shade paler than normal. Gojyo's fingers he realized fuzzily as he raised a shaky hand and traced the pulsing blue vein on his wrist.

He hadn't even realized he'd done it until Gojyo loomed over him, a myriad of purple, green, and yellow bruises covering his bandaged chest and head. He had a glorious shiner blooming under his left eye which Hakkai watched in fascination as tiny tendrils of vines traced delicately. He figured, in his hazy, semi-aware state, that the vines were probably an indication that something had gone wrong, but then there was Gojyo leaning into the caress and then closer until their foreheads rested against the other and he really could have cared less about vines or bandages.

"Hey," Gojyo muttered softly, the sound puffing warm breaths across his flushed skin.

"Heh…hey." he finally managed around a mouthful of what felt and tasted like cotton.

Gojyo smiled with only the slightest twinge as the movement caused his lips to crack and bleed, the smell overwhelming Hakkai's senses. A tiny vine lifted from his cheek to dag at the oozing liquid before bringing a single vermillion droplet to his parched mouth. Green-gold eyes watched red trace the movement, his Adam's apple bobbing as Hakkai licked the thick drop away.

"So…that was stupid." He heard Gojyo whisper throatily, "You've gotta stop trying to kill yourself saving me, 'Kai. Not that I don't appreciate it, but I don't want to kick it only to have you show up on my heels, you got that?"

Hakkai tried to glare, really he did, but his facial muscles weren't obeying him. From Gojyo's expression he must have at least managed a grimace though, which was good enough for now.

Gojyo sat back a bit, but kept his eyes locked on Hakkai's slit one. "I…I know what I said, Hakkai. I know what you did and I know what could happen, but I have to say this and you have to let me…don't save me again. I can't…I can't lose you like this. Not for me."

This time Hakkai managed the glare. He even managed a small, warning growl as he forced his body to obey him, to push his hands behind him and lever himself up into a sitting position. Laying down detracted from the angry look he was trying for after all.

Gojyo leaned back slightly but didn't move away, he knew he was asking for it by saying all this, but he had to make Hakkai understand, he wasn't worth his death. Not his.

"I mean it, Hakkai. Don't save me again. If I'm careless enough to get my ass handed to me on a platter I deserve it, but you are _not_ allowed to die trying to bring me back. We've been there before and it's not a pretty sight."

Hakkai was slowly losing the ability to think straight. Between the shifting of broken ribs sending fiery sparks through his chest on every labored breath and the mounting anger clouding his vision he had enough restraint to only grip the bandages with the clawed hand that shot out towards Gojyo, their tips skimming the surface of his chest without doing too much damage. But only just.

"_**You**_," He hissed sharply, "are not allowed to dictate terms after I've saved you. _**You**_, should have thought about all this before telling me you loved me in the rain…in the mud, with your blood on my hands. _**I**_ will not let you go so easily._** I**_ will not let you turn this around on me and I _**will**_ take what is mine. Do you understand that, Gojyo?"

Hakkai leaned in and licked a scorching line over Gojyo's throat, sharp teeth nicking the soft skin of the hallow he found there. Gojyo shivered and moaned in his hold, his hands steadying himself against Hakkai's shoulders.

"'Kai…" he murmured, head falling back to send a cascade of shimmering red hair over his back.

"_Mine_ Gojyo, say yes." He paused and nipped at Gojyo's chin, ignoring the slight bristle of unshaven stubble, "_Mine…._"

"Yes," Gojyo gasped, "_fuck_, yes." He was shaking at the roll of power washing over him. Hakkai seemed to be radiating it in waves as he rolled his hips free of the sheets, the movement making Gojyo groan as it connected too briefly with his own flushed body.

"_Yes_," Hakkai hissed before pulling Gojyo down beside him on the bed, trapping him between arms and legs, "yes, but not tonight. Tonight I could…I could hurt you if I wasn't careful Gojyo. Tonight I'm not in control and we're both still very damaged."

Gojyo looked up shaken into the mismatched eyes and bit his lip, he really could have cared less about Hakkai hurting him, there was something…playfully menacing in the way Hakkai was still grinding softly into his side. How he trailed razor sharp claws down his bare arms just enough to raise pink lines but not enough to break the skin or how he kept nipping lightly at his jaw and ear.

"You won't," he breathed while matching the slow roll of hips.

"I will. I will, Gojyo, and there'd be nothing you could do to stop me. But I won't. Not tonight. Tonight, just sleep and then I'll try and heal us both tomorrow."

"Tomorrow then," Gojyo murmured and despite his resolve felt himself starting to drift off.

"Tomorrow," Hakkai swore, his fingers glowing faintly, just a hint of chi running along Gojyo's ribs, pushing a few back into position before he fell into blissful unconsciousness, his arms pulling Gojyo in closer against his chest until he finally found a spot and nuzzled in between the hanyou's shoulder and ear.

***

Sanzo opened the door, groaned, and closed the door slightly louder than when he'd opened it. Turning on his heel he grabbed Goku by the collar and yanked the boy back down the stairs, muttering "fucking idiots" under his breath.

Goku grinned.

***

The following day Hakkai was woken, none to gently, by Goku's exuberant burst into their room around lunch time. He narrowed an eye at the sudden glare as Sanzo threw open the curtains and plopped himself into the abandoned chair by the window, cigarette and paper out before Hakkai could say a word of greeting.

It was a good minute or two before he realized Gojyo was still curled up beside him, fingers twisted in the sheets as he fought to stay asleep in the growing din of Goku's excited chatter. Eventually a sleepy red eye cracked open enough to mumble something about monkeys and their keepers before he rolled back over and tried to pull Hakkai down beside him, hell bent on ignoring everything and everyone except the ivy-covered youkai by his side.

"Gojyo," Hakkai whispered softly, patting his head and gently extracting himself from the tenacious grip the other had on him.

"No. They can deal or get out, I'm still tired."

"Gojyo," he urged a bit firmer.

Gojyo huffed sourly and flopped over on his side, his eyes suddenly wide as he shot up and peeled off the bandages across his chest. "Dammit, 'Kai! I told you not to heal me when you're messed up as bad as this!"

The room was very quiet as Hakkai pulled himself from the warm confines of the bed and glared at Gojyo.

"I _will_," he started, leaning in and gripping Gojyo's chin hard with three vine-covered fingers, "heal you when and where I deem it necessary. Don't forget what you agreed to, Gojyo. Never forget." He flicked Gojyo's chin away with enough force to cause welts to rise in their wake before he threw his feet over the edge of the bed and stumbled towards the bathroom, its door bouncing in its frame at the force he used to close it behind him.

Gojyo stared at his retreating back.

"Dude," Goku breathed by his shoulder, "You are _so_ screwed."

Sanzo smiled when Gojyo nodded his agreement completely bewildered.

***

Hakkai had to breathe hard through the initial dizziness standing wrapped around his eyes. He peeled his pants off and stepped into the shower, gritting his teeth tightly as the first icy burst of water hit his skin. It took a few minutes for the deluge to sputter into some semblance of warmth and start steaming up the small room. He might have looked over his shoulder when the door opened, but he knew by the pad of feet who it was without looking. He grinned toothily into the shower spray but didn't turn.

"Hakkai, about last night…"

"Mine, Gojyo, you agreed."

Gojyo pulled the curtain back and ran his eyes over the wide expanse of ivory skin and dark, fluttering vines, gulping audibly before his shaky fingers found the edge of his belt. Tugging it loose he stepped out of his pants and into the warm water. He flinched slightly as the metal clattered to the floor and Hakkai finally turned to look at him.

Standing there, the water dripping off the strands of too long hair, running over a lean, well defined chest, curling around tight hair and shivering vines that seemed to twist and pull…

"_Oh shit_." His breath came out in skittering little starts…the vines really _were _twisting and pulling lightly at the long, hard length of him.

Hakkai smiled predatorily at him as he slouched back against the slick tiles, a long clawed hand reaching down to brush the vines away, taking their place and squeezing just that much tighter as he stroked the semi-hard member. The discarded vines lifted from his free arm in wavy little dips and bows as they inched across the distance between them, their touch feather-light as they stroked down Gojyo's cheek and arms, finally coming to rest wrapped lightly around his wrists. A sudden tug had him tripping over the edge of the shower and pressed up flush against Hakkai's chest. His face flushed and somewhere around a dusky nipple.

"_Mine_," Hakkai breathed again, breath skittering over his now damp shoulder as he leaned in and ran his tongue and teeth over the sharp jut of collarbone.

Gojyo groaned out a yes between clenched teeth and licked the pert nub, grinning in satisfaction at Hakkai's deep, rumbling purr. Gojyo sucked in a breath when those same vines snaked between their bodies to run teasingly up and down his thighs while he unconsciously shifted his weight, spreading himself wider to the slinking tendrils and their master's roving hands.

Hakkai's massages were a thing of utter magic on sore muscles, but now, like this, _there_…he could have died from the euphoric, erotic bliss and never batted an eye. With his hands trapped above his head by the verdant ivy he could only roll his hips in a counter beat to Hakkai's graceful, catlike undulations as he tried to press deeper, harder, and quicker. His whole body finally clenching around Hakkai's as he bit down hard enough to draw blood, but not hard enough for Gojyo to care as the white blinding light flooded his senses.

He came back to cool water dripping onto his face from Hakkai's wet bangs. Concern mingling with a satiated smugness that Gojyo thought he utterly deserved. He was sore again, but it was a good kind of sore. One that meant he'd walk bowlegged for a few days but man was it worth it.

He agreed whole heartedly when Hakkai claimed his lips with a whispered, "_mine_".

***

The young acolyte glanced nervously between the vine covered youkai and the glaring violet eyed monk. He shifted once more in his sandals and twisted the cloth of his robes between sweating palms. The red-haired one was leaning over the vine-covered youkai's shoulder, too close he thought, and muttering softly as he fingered each of the groups of silver cuffs. Master Sanzo just slapped the bouncing kid beside him with the paper harisen and ignored them, like seeing a youkai was normal or something!

"What do you think, 'Kai? These are pretty damn close to your last pair?" the red-head fingered three plain silver cuffs with the edge of a chewed fingernail.

The youkai tilted his head and hmmed deep in his throat, the sound almost a purr before he picked up one gingerly in his claws.

"You think?" he murmured softly.

"Yeah, but ya know, these would look damn good on you too." The other responded sultrily, getting so close he could have licked the others shivering skin. And they were, the vines closest to him were shivering in anticipation or proximity, he really didn't want to know, or see, or _hear_, anything coming from these two. Why oh why did Master Sanzo have to call on _his_ temple for these limiters?!

"Pervy water sprite." He heard the big-eyed kid mutter as he danced behind Master Sanzo's chair again chuckling.

"Watch it Monkey or I'll sick Hakkai on you!" He spit back, though not with enough anger or force to really be considered a threat he noticed.

"Excuse me, I'm not a dog, Gojyo." He paused and touched the cuffs the other had mentioned before the colorful commentary, "but I think you're right, I do prefer the pewter ones."

Gojyo turned back around quickly, his face slightly tinged with pink, "The ones with the engravings?"

"Yes, they almost look like vines. The detail is very finely done." To his mortification the youkai turned and looked right at him, "Please tell the artist they're a thing of beauty, for me." The youkai inclined his head politely and then turned away.

He found himself nodding back without meaning to. He watched, an odd sense of morbid fascination and sudden spike of shameful lust heating his blood, as the one named Gojyo clamped the cuffs on the one named Hakkai's ear one by one. A shuddering breath and arched back was the only warning they had before a deep emerald green crawled across the youkai's slitted golden eye to mirror the other, his hair shortened, claws and fangs retracted, and vines faded from the milky flesh until the other looked as human as he did.

"Better?" Gojyo asked, dropping to his knees before the brunette and gently rubbing the pad of his thumb over his cheek.

"It's always a bit…_hard_, but yes, it does feel better to be back to normal. Thank you Gojyo." He said before inclining his head at Master Sanzo, "Sanzo."

Master Sanzo humphed, flipped his paper closed and pushed back from the table. Looking over the two of them he smirked evilly, "We leave in an hour." He declared, ignoring both red and gold's outbursts, but the acolyte noticed he gave the green-eyed man a slightly softer smile, maybe it was even considered kind, "I expect to be in a town tonight, so you better warn the flying rat."

Hakkai nodded and pulled himself to his feet, pulling on Gojyo's wrist as he left the room, "Then we'll need provisions, won't we? I'll be taking the card then Sanzo. Come along Gojyo, we should be able to find your cigarettes in town."

Master Sanzo dumped the remainder of the cuffs in the drawstring bag he'd brought them in, tossed them to the waiting junior monk, and wandered out after them grousing about Marlboros and playing favorites. The kid bounced after him, a 1000kw smile plaster across his face.

He was left there literally holding the bag.

***

"Did anyone tell the kid we weren't coming back?" Gojyo hollered in Sanzo's ear over the whipping wind.

Four pairs of eyes met in the rear view mirror as silence descended.

"Oops." Goku chimed in grinning as Sanzo shrugged.

Hakkai laughed politely and pushed down the accelerator, he was certain they'd reach the next town that night.

~Fin


End file.
